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The fear monster

Deciding to move to Israel was easy. I knew, I love Ram and I did not want to spend anymore time talking over Skype. We had been Skyping everyday for 3 months and that was long enough! I thought I knew what I was in for from my experience living in Kyoto, Japan for three months. It turns out, going through that then, doesn’t make this any easier now. It was seven years ago and Israel is COMPLETELY different than Japan.

When I got here I turned into the 11 year old version of myself. All the sudden I was a victim, dependent, insecure and a prisoner of my fear. I felt helpless without the most basic skill in life; language. I felt isolated and disconnected from myself and from any purpose. All I wanted to do was get these three months over with and go home. Back to the familiar. I am much more resistant to change than I thought. I find myself being mad because I want things to be what I’m used to! I don’t want to compromise, be flexible or be excepting. I just want things to be like they are back home in Washington state.

I don’t like meeting new people and in my first week here I met most of Ram’s family. His family is really great and nice but I just wanted to be LEFT ALONE! They were constantly inviting me to do things. All I wanted to do was hid in a dark room and wait for the time to pass. I’d become a observer of my life and not the director. Somehow I wasn’t aware fear was controlling me. I was only aware I was going completely mad.

Finally it hit me.

While on a hike with Ram it came to me. I’ve been letting fear control me. I’ve been  letting fear change me into someone I don’t recognize, respect or like.  I completely forgot who I am and how to take responsibility for my happiness.

I don’t have to let fear control me. It’s so simple.

 

 

 

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