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Maybe, if you want…

The jeep was ready. It was crammed to the ceiling with luggage for our trip to the desert. Just before we left Ram opened the glove box and said “look something for you.” It was a little white fabric bag hiding a little white box. Surprised and curious I opened it to find a delicate gold ring. It was a simple, beautiful and unique. I waited for him to say something, cause well, it’s a nice ring… He said nothing. I tried the ring on my right ring finger. It fit. I waited again for him to say something. He told me the ring was made of gold by a girl he knows who makes jewelry. The design represented us coming together as two Gemini to create a whole. With that being said he started the jeep and began driving. I was confused. Was I supposed to assume it’s an engagement ring, or assume it’s a nice present? I sat trying to think of what to do or say. I couldn’t decide, so I discreetly put the ring in my coat pocket. I was hurt that it wasn’t a proposal. What was I supposed to think it was? It was a really nice RING and he has mention proposing to me many times within the last month. I felt foolish and disappointed. 

On our way out of town we stopped by a pharmacy to get cough syrup. While waiting for the store to open he reached for my hands to see where the ring was. I told him I’m not wearing it because I don’t know what it means. He said it just meant “I love you and am committed to you”. I said “I love you too” with a half smile. Very hesitantly he said it can maybe be an engagement ring if you want. I thought “are you serious?! No way! I don’t want to get engaged as an after thought by a maybe if you want to, outside the pharmacy.” I dreamt of being proposed to since I was little (as many girls do). I wanted it to be special, intimate and (now I realize) very direct. I wanted to feel special and precious not worthless and confused. I’ve been anticipating the moment he would pop the question. I was finally with someone who I wouldn’t have to think about my answer. Anyways after he said that I didn’t really say anything I just put the ring on my right hand. I still didn’t know how to interpret the situation. 

An hour into our drive he mentioned a really awesome place where he had thought to propose to me. Really, just stab me in the heart and pour lemon juice in it because that would feel better then this. I told him how talking about all these ways he thought of proposing to me hurt me; especially during this long weird confusing sort of proposal thing happening right now. I don’t want to hear about all the amazing, magical ways he’s not proposing to me. It’s complete torture. After a few more minutes of driving he asked me “do you want to marry me?” I said “yes” almost before he finished the question. You see, my answer to Ram has always been yes. My love for Ram has always been the clearest thing in the world. I know without the slightest doubt that I want to marry him. But, right then I should’ve told him to ask me differently, because proposing like it’s no big deal is heart breaking. 

I feel guilty and childish for the way I feel. I know how incredibly lucky I am. I don’t take him for granted, I know how amazing he is. But, I feel like one of the most anticipated and important moments of my life happened and I missed it. What makes it more painful is that I was proposed to before. It was a few year ago and that proposal wasn’t special either. This was my second chance and this time I was with someone I really love. It’s devastating for it to be so not special, again. 

It’s been over a week since it happened and I’m still not over it. I keep telling myself the proposal isn’t what’s important but it is important to me. Now I’m left asking myself if I can get over it? Can I let go and not resent him for it? I don’t know. Can I be an adult about it? I don’t know. I’m stuck between logic telling me to forget about it, a child crying over crushed hopes and dreams and a women saying I deserve a proper proposal.  

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