I focused a lot on myself in this last separation. I went to an intense 10 day meditation retreat, practiced yoga, changed my diet, and spent almost all my time alone. I felt peaceful, balanced, independent and confident. I was completely in control and self involved. Ram and I would talk twice a day for about a half hour during the week and several hours on the weekend but other than that my life was me, me, and me. No sacrifices or compromises.
My self centered world came crashing down when Ram arrived. I was no longer the center of my delicate and calculated world. My perfectly planned meals and perfect schedule turned to chaos. I was no longer in control and it took me by surprise. I had no clue I had become so inflexible! It was a huge and painful shock for both of us. Ram is a saint for putting up with me. I’m completely ashamed by my inmaturity. I deeply regret not being there for him like I believe he deserves. I complained and criticized almost constantly for two weeks. It’s no excuse but maybe it was a bad idea to get married so soon after he landed.
Every time there is a big change in my life whether good or bad it’s an adjustment. It’s a big adjustment going from loner to partner and another from single to married. But, why? Why is my whole world thrown off so easily? Is my center really so fragil? I’ve gone through so many big adjustments in the last year and this last one wasn’t any easier than the others. I figured I’d get better at adjusting to change but it hasn’t been the case.
I feel like an emotional teenager; full rage and saddness. So many little things are so overwhelming that I feel like I might scream. I can go from happy to raging at the drop of a hat. It’s like I’m in second place to my emotions. I’m the pin on a pin wheel of emotions.
I want peace. I want balance. I want to be grounded and centered. Most of all I want to understand myself.