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I think, therefore I feel 

Seven weeks down three to go. I’m getting nervous and excited.

This week is my last week of work! I’m SO glad. This time going back felt forced. They didn’t really end up needing me. If this wasn’t my last week they probably would have let me go. I’m okay with that. I’m ready to move on; with no regrets or negativity. I like the people there.

How is it possible that life just gets harder and harder? I’m sure I’ve said many times over and over that a week was “the hardest week I’ve ever had.” HA! Now I’m going to say it again because these last three weeks were the hardest I’ve ever had; that I can remember.

I now have a counselor which was a big step for me. Every other time I’ve gone to a counselor it was by force or obligation. I hated counselors. I never doubted they help people but it wasn’t for me. I always told myself “I don’t need help. I can do it on my own! They never tell me anything I don’t already know.” I used to do it on my own and I did fine, until I didn’t. Maybe I would have kept doing it on my own if it wasn’t for Ram. Life isn’t just about me anymore, it’s about him too. 

Everything I’ve been doing wasn’t helping nearly enough. Meditating, exercising, eating healthy, socializing, pampering myself, hobbies, etc. Two weeks ago, Ram shook me and demanded I talk to someone. I was insulted and angry. I believed it wouldn’t help. It would be stupid and pointless. I thought “I don’t need to change! He’s the one who needs to change!” After my anger wore off I considered that maybe, just maybe I need to change too. So, I swallowed my pride and indignation and found a counselor with perfect ease.

I joined an online counseling and therapy site! I was skeptical (like you may be) but it is perfect for me. It’s completely legitimate and professional. I’ve been talking to my counselor two or more times a day for two weeks now. During the last two days, I’m finally starting to see hope. A tiny hole has been pricked in the black sky I created. Who knew your own thoughts could be your worst enemy? Yeah we all “know” but are we really aware? I wasn’t.

To expand my thought awareness I’m taking a break from Ghost Boy 😦 to read a book called “Feeling Good” by David Burns. It focuses on cognitive therapy.

“The first principle of cognitive therapy is that ALL your moods are created by your “cognitions” or thoughts.”

The book defines ten cognitive distortions. I do all of them, probably every day and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one…

Some periods of time are the hardest and the best. Then there are times that are the hardest and just HARD! In the “hardest and best” times it’s ultimately positive because your hardship is rewarding and purposeful. Maybe the times that seem only HARD are so hard because you can’t see a reward or purpose. It doesn’t mean there isn’t one. Maybe the purpose is to make you smarter or stronger. I don’t know. I just know if I can become one of those really annoying happy people, then I want to!

“Your thoughts create your emotions; therefore, your emotions cannot prove that your thoughts are accurate” 

-David D. Burns 

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