The last few days I’ve felt like I’m wondering around a maze. I have no direction or destination.
Ram and I have been staying at his parents house the last five days because it’s been raining cats and dogs. Yesterday it rained less so we slack packed (hiked with day packs) a part of the INT from where we left off. We climbed Mount Tabor and made it to Nazareth, just before dark. Going down Mount Tabor was terrifying! It was so steep and really slick because of the mud. Tomorrow, if the weather is okay, we plan on slack packing from Nazareth to Alonim.
I’m anxious for the weather to get better for many reasons but mainly because I’m not comfortable at Ram’s parent house. I feel like everyone is in my business. I don’t feel like I have any space or privacy. Nothing is mine, everything is shared. Most of the time I feel like I’m imposing. I’m “supposed” to think of them as family, but I don’t. At family gatherings I try to be social but I often give up because it’s hard when I don’t know what any conversations around me are about. I can’t chime in like I normally would.
Ram and his family speak Hebrew unless directly talking to me. I don’t expect them to speak English but I still don’t like being on the outside of every conversation. It’s alienating. I’m often blindsided by a sudden changes in peoples moods because I didn’t understand the conversation that triggered it. It’s hard to relax when my surroundings change without warning or explanation. I get very few cues to predict the surrounding emotional climate. And it doesn’t help that in Hebrew almost every conversation sounds like an argument.
It was especially hard being here for Christmas. I didn’t feel free to take over the house for Christmas festivities. There were no Christmas decorations, no lights, no tree, no yummy smells, no goodies or presents. But, Ram was sweet and tried to make me happy. He embraced Christmas music, made us a yummy breakfast and helped me make brownies. He even wore a Santa hat with me! Still, it didn’t feel like Christmas :(. So, I plan on being depressed about a not festive enough Christmas until next Christmas.
I feel like I’m trapped in a maze. I don’t like any of my options but it’s all I’ve got; stay in Alonim, move to Tel Aviv, hike the INT or go home. The least depressing one is hiking, so that’s what we’re doing. Hiking is adventurous and rewarding. It gets me out of my head and gives me purpose but, I’m confused because it doesn’t feel like the right choice and none of the other options do either. Maybe there is an option I haven’t thought of? I’ve been wracking my brain and can’t think of anything better.
So for now I will go out hiking, where I forget I’m an outsider.