It was a quarter past 3am. I sat frozen in the passenger seat of Ram’s car. I spent the last hour frantically going over the pros and cons of leaving or of staying. I cried most of the dark desolate drive here. Now I imagined leaving. I’d unhook my seat belt, get out of the car, open the trunk and clumsily pull out my over sized suitcase. I’d hug Ram goodbye, as we’ve done too many times before, and walk away for a month. As I imagined what I was going to do, tears streamed down my cheeks. My heart began to break, is the only thing I can think to call how I felt. I tried to find composure and I did for a second or two, but then I’d imagine that over sized suitcase being taken by the airline, sealing the decision, and my tears would take over with a new found vigor.
I wanted so much to make the right decision. What was the most logical? Neither. What was the most fun? Neither. What would be the easiest? Neither. But, where would I feel whole? With Ram. It appears I’ve come to love him so much, I can’t leave, even for a month. I thought I could. I thought I would be fine, even excited and happy to go home for a bit, but the follow through was lacking.
See, I was going to go home to good ol’ Washington for a month. I’d take care of a few things, visit family and prepared to be gone for a year (Ram has committed to one year in his job). I even had a job lined up for the month but, if I worked enough to make it worth it, I wouldn’t have time to do much else, like visit family. If I worked less, I’d make hardly enough for a flight back to Israel. Either way it wouldn’t help much with money. Best case scenario I’d have $500 after buying a ticket. All of the things I “needed” to go home to do can be done from here with a little help from my family. Leaving Ram when I don’t HAVE to is just masochistic.
As I sat sobbing, I remembered all the other times we said goodbye and how much we wished we didn’t have to. This time we don’t. This time I have a choice. I can chose to stay. I looked at Ram with my puffy eyes and through the tears I managed to say “I’ll stay.” He nodded and slowly drove us out of departures. The lanes were empty and dark. A few street lights lit the road in a pale yellow. As we left I began to panic. Maybe it’s just cold feet? Maybe I’m making a huge stupid mistake?! Maybe I’m just tried and irrationally emotional. I’m probably just not thinking clearly.
We drove toward a y that goes out or back to departures and I asked “can I still make it to my flight?” With a quiet “yeah” Ram drove back to departures. Again we were stopped in the drop off lane and I sat frozen trying so hard to make a decision. I couldn’t get myself to budge, not even lift my hand to the door. I closed my eyes to try and will myself to move but it didn’t work. I couldn’t get out of the car. I couldn’t leave, even for a month. So, by ten to four we were on our way back home, together, a little traumatize… but together.
I still don’t know if I made the right decision but I know I couldn’t make the wrong one.
This is completely off subject BUT last night Ram and I were on our way home from his sisters house when he said “hey! A porcupine.” I got so excited I jumped out of the car to run over and get a closer look. It wasn’t a porcupine it was a hedgehog! Apparently Israel has wild hedgehogs! It was huge, about a foot long and very cute. I think it was terrified of me… It was hiding behind a car and appeared to be hyperventilating. I felt bad, so I left it alone.